Volcanoes as Weapons of Mass Destruction

Having watched the recent presidential debate, I realized that President Bush is in need of additional help. It seems that constant repetitions of 9/11, terrorism and nucular weapons are no longer as effective at scaring people as they were (at least in so far as portraying the president as the only one who can handle them), and there is urgent need of a new threat.

Fortunately for the president, there is unequivocal evidence that the eruption of Mount St. Helens is, in fact, being caused by Al-Qaeda.

Want proof? Consider this:

  • Mt. Canlaon (in the Philippines) erupted in 1988, the same year as Al-Qaeda was founded.
  • At least one volcano has erupted somewhere in the world each year since Al-Qaeda was founded.
  • Historically, volcanoes truly are weapons of mass destruction, resulting in massive casualties and property damage, not to mention poisoning the air and environment.
  • Though somewhat lacking in portability, they have the advantage of already being at the target area, eliminating the need to smuggle them into the country by air or sea.
  • John Kerry has done nothing to address the potential terrorist threat of volcanoes, leaving the door wide open for Bush to take the initiative.
  • Afghanistan, the home of Al- Qaeda, is mountainous – the ideal training ground for volcanic warfare.

Clearly, in these final weeks leading up to the election, the vicious terrorist attack at Mount St. Helens is the ideal campaign issue. It will catch Kerry’s camp completely by surprise, and by the time they formulate a clear policy on the issue, the dust (or ash) will already have settled.

For those wondering how truly effective volcanoes can be as weapons of mass destruction, the following may be of interest:

The Forge of God by Greg Bear: Plenty of volcanoes and cataclysmic destruction in the most depressing rendition of earth’s obliteration since the Vogons blew it up to make way for a hyperspacial bypass.

Volcano (DVD) – Toss in a few earthquakes and plenty of fire, this L.A. disaster epic is surely bedtime watching for Bin-Laden and company.

Dante’s Peak – Not much for mass casualties, but this volcano must have never listened to scientists, cause it erupts and blows up in just about every way possible.

Our Amazing Volcanoes – Terrorist training kit for Al- Qaeda children, teaches how to construct volcanoes and trigger eruptions. It is truly astonishing that such toys are allowed to be sold.

3 Responses to “Volcanoes as Weapons of Mass Destruction”

  1. Lonnie Rolland Says:

    Me thinks thou doth strongly (and put great emphasis on the word strongly) wish to be a comedy writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It seems that comedy is your natural talent besides teaching people. I understand that there is good money in comedy if you can get beyond the standup and move into a TV spot.
    Why stop with one natural disaster when there are plenty of others? I guess hurricanes got picked on too much lately, but floods and tornadoes, now there’s the ticket.

  2. Greg Hughes Says:

    Hahahah – excellent and funny. Enjoyed meeting you at the conference, and as a close neighbor to the volcanoe that is currently experiencing heartburn, I laughed especially hard when I read this.

  3. BillT Says:

    Oh, yeah. And then there’s all the tourists held hostage by the mere thought of something bigger happening, and chained to a boring wait, until they are released.

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